A Story About Michigan Dispos in Three Parts

Well, only one part is about a dispensary proper.

So last week we went to Ann Arbor. Our main goal was bookstores, but our other goal was a dispensary that billed itself as the “Longest Running Dispensary this side of the Mississippi” or something to that effect. 

I forget exactly because I did not snap a pic, nor did I write it down or say it aloud enough times to annoy my companions by being too repeater-y. 

So I forgot. *shoulder shruggy emoji*

It happens, I am not a computer or robot after all… unless you ask those captcha thingies asking me what is or is not a bike. 

That’s not the important part of the story anyways. 

Let me tell you a little bit about what it us like to visit a dispensary in Michigan versus my Florida experience as a medical patient. 

The day I got my medical card, KPerks gathered me up in her minivan and took me on a tour of her favorite local spots. We had a great day (because we were hanging out together and we have very much a lot of fun when we do that), but the dispensaries that we visited felt stiff and, I dunno, not fun. 

It felt almost secret, like we were doing something bad and not something helpful for our brains. 

Then (this is where part 1 of the Michigan dispensary stories comes in) we took a trip to Michigan for 4/20. Okay, okay, and to see if I liked it up here, because we might be doin’ a move. 

And, as one might expect, a dispensary was one of our first stops. And it was a party… we felt welcomed and were able to openly discuss what works or doesn’t work for us and what we wanted to try from each other’s newly procured stashes. 

All while at the counter, deciding on what to buy. 

In Florida, this is a GIANT NOPE.

 

So, of course, when we arrive at our AirBnB, we sit on the stoop and get giggly high, in the very cold weather and it was delightful. I can’t want for crisp cold to be my norm. 

Then, we head inside and start to look for something to watch, when I realize Coachella is livestreaming all weekend. 

So we watched it, and fell in love with The Hu and was utterly transfixed by someone (I think it was Halsey? I dunno… I was higher than normal) creating a damn piece of art while performing the hell out of a song. 

Then a few weeks later, we had our offer accepted on The Professor House, so I had to head back up here for the inspection. And this time I brought Stevie!

We also made a stop at a dispensary pretty early in our trip and, honestly, the dispensary visit itself was uneventful.

When we got back to our hotel room, we realized that neither of us thought to bring a lighter so our smokeables were off the table. We held out hope though – we were to stay the next two nights at a Cannabis Collective and there had to be lighters there, right? 

We had both bought lil disposable vape pen thiniges, so we busted those out. 

And they were good in a way these things normally are not. The flavor was complex and not overyly anything, but with a really pleasant coconut aftertaste. 

The pen itself had some heft to it and I wish it weren’t disposable, because I’d be screwing on all my 510s onto that battery from here on out. 

Look, we were both in love with our respective purchase, okay?

But we could both agree on one thing together and that is that we hated the packaging. 

It was gaudy, with this silver holographic shiny stuff all over it. 

Then the the light hit it and it hit us. 

And rainbows were all over the walls. 

Well, not all over, but enough to make two chicks who had travelled and walked through museums all day absolutely delighted. 

That is my second Michigan dispensary story. (We both agree that we enjoy the packaging now and have apologized for complaining about it)

So my third Michigan dispensary visit was to the “oldest ouide shoppe this side of the Mississp!” or whatever honorific it gave itself. 

I remember nothing remarkable about walking in. I gave them my id and my medical card and they made me an account. You know normal stuff. 

Then we got in there and met my budtender. 

He was a little wiry fella with shoulder length dark hair and glasses and kind of like the energy of a cricket smashed with a lizard… I kind of dug it, but I was unsure of it. 

He gestured toward the medical area and the recreational area and told us all the deals and treats I’d be getting for being a first timer. Then, he showed us the kiosks we HAD TO order from and stepped away. 

Until I quietly whispered something to Mickey about an edible I saw in the case, when this fella, who I now realized had total Kyle Mooney energy, popped back in and says something like, 

“Oh, yeah, that’s a strong one. See? It’s like 200 milligrams, right? But there are only 4 little pieces of fruit leather. Which means…”

And he kind of trailed off, so I politely smiled and kept looking at the stuff. 

But then someone wound him up again,”…that each one is 50 milligrams, and, hoo, man, I don’t know about you, but I have to nibble a bite off the 10 milligram rec stuff or else I’ll get too loopy. I remember this one time I had two pieces and…”

He proceeded to tell us some story about a high so high he couldn’t get any higher… as in, he got couch lock and couldn’t get up. 

Then I started looking at the pre-rolls, because I smartly bought a new lighter at Third Man Records for this express purpose. 

Kyle Mooney pops back in, “Ok, so those are on the medical side (I knew this based on signage alone) so you’ll have to use THAT kiosk to order them.

He gestures towards a kiosk clearly marked, “Place your medical orders here.”

Oh, I guess I should mention that you have to pay for medical and recreational marijuana separately in Michigan. 

I say thank you and ask the price of a preroll. 

He smugly rattles of the price, adding, “Yeah, I mostly smoke mine anyways. Can’t handle the edibles.”

I was very focused on the pre-roll varieties, but he kept attracting my attention elsewhere, showing me novelty weeb more than anything. 

I turned to the kiosk and placed an order. It was very straightforward. 

Then I turned to the recreational side and started looking around. I found some things I liked and placed a recreational order as well. 

Look, I like to have choices, okay? And honestly, coming from Florida prices this is cheaper than buying gas and groceries for sure. 

Then comes time to check out, where Kyle Mooney has to comment on every single thing I purchase. 

And even before that, we were obviously the only two people in the store at the time, my name was clearly marked on both orders, but still, when they were ready, he asked, “Hey, are both of these for you?”

Yes, Kyle. 

By this time, I was fully invested in trying to figure out how this person’s brain worked. I was fascinated. He worked at a dispensary but only knew, like, selling points and novelty. 

So, where I would traditionally be annoyed by this unnecessary stream of consciousness from a stranger that I actively tried not to engage as much as possible the rest of the shopping trip, I was all in by this point. 

I couldn’t wait to hear what Mr. Mooney said next.

He commented on the fruit leather again (of course I bought it!), reminding me that EACH PIECE is 50mg, even showing me on a diagram on the back of the packaging. 

Based on how on and on he went about this fruit leather, I am expecting it to be tiny, like chiclet sized pieces or something. We shall see. 

The next bit kind of broke my brain a bit though. 

It was another edible, called a “Buzz Bar” made by the same company as the fruit leather. I honestly had no idea what it was but bought it based on branding alone. 

He stopped in his tracks when he sees my Buzz Bar and puts his hand to his chest like an old southern woman watching someone speak in tongues. 

“This one,” he says, closing his eyes and shaking his head slowly, “This one.”

I don’t know if anything about this is good or bad. 

“Let me show you something about this one. Very complex,” He says, lowering his voice. 

He slides the package towards me and gestures me to feel around the package.

“You feel how small that is?”

It felt like half a single Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or a very large Turtle. 

He swallowed hard before continuing, “That is 200mg. That tiny thing! Now, I have to show you this diagram. It’s very complicated.”

He turns over the packaging, his voice still lowered, “Look at this complex diagram!”

I looked. (You can see it too, above, obviously)

“Now, do you remember how small that thing felt?!”

I did. 

“Now try to figure out how to dose that thing with this complex diagram.”

Here is that thing – 

 

And, to his credit, Kyle Mooney was right. Based on the candy inside the package, that diagram is pretty unhelpful. 

One more thing and then I will stop typing.

The final thing Kyle Mooney rang up for me were these two cans of drank that I got ’cause your girl loves trying any soda variety, but especially medicated ones. 

He got a giant smile on his face – these must be really good. 

“Oh! These are my favorite!” 

He looked at them lovingly, and stroked them as he gently placed them into my bag.

“You know these are CDB only, right?”

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