I Might Have to Throw Away One of My Fave Hoodies (unless you can help me)

You may not know this about the chore-keeping of the Professor Haus:

I am the official grass cutter. I have a green, battery-powered walk-behind mower, and it takes me about four days to do the whole yard. It’s a pretty big yard, y’all.

Also, I treat myself well and don’t overdo it. I’ll cut for about an hour at a time, and then I will be done for that day. On hot-hot-hot days, I’ll also take mid-cut breaks when I get too sweaty. I am much better at staying hydrated than I normally am.

In case you were wondering, yes, I have a grass-cutting uniform:

• Dumb jeans that I hate.
  • The hems are cut off, cause they are so long.
  • They are about 4 sizes too big, but they were legit used to fit me at one point.
  • They are a nice dark blue color.
• A long-sleeved safety yellow shirt.
  • I have a variety of these to choose from.
  • They are also about 4 sizes too big for me
  • What can I say? I have become a fan of very big clothing since moving up here, I guess.
• A sports bra.
  • Honestly, cutting the grass is one of the only times I wear a bra nowadays.
• Socks
  • I only wear two brands for grass cutting (and most other things)
    • Stance
    • Third Man Records
• My yard-cuttin’ shoes
  • I got these from the Shoe Guy for this express purpose
• Head-covering thing to keep my hair in line.
  • I have two options, colorwise:
    • White
    • Safety yellow
• A safety yellow ball cap that same something, I forget what.
  • I really love this color, y’all.
• Optional addition: Grey hoodie
  • I have a love/hate relationship with this hoodie that is the same as the love/hate relationship I have with my favorite blanket.
    • It’s from the same dumb company that I wish I felt safe ordering from

It is this hoodie that I would like to ask for your help with today. I do not have a photo of it before the tragedy that befell it yesterday, but I will do my best to describe it. It is grey, on the very edge of a bluish grey. It zips up and, uh, has a hood. I mean, it is a hoodie after all.

The thing that makes this hoodie special, though, is that it is, like, an inside-out hoodie. The fuzzy warm part is on the outside, and the normal t-shirt material is inside. It’s honestly a sensory delight.

And I might have ruined it yesterday. And it feels too overwhelming for my brain to fix at the moment.

Let me explain.

Yesterday, I went to cut the grass… this is the area I was cutting. It is my least favorite section of the yard, because it has the least shade.

I enjoy making squares as I cut the grass, so I started with a big one that circles the entirety of this section of the yard. I’ve never started with a small circle, but maybe that would be a fun challenge one day? I’ll give it a shot and report back.

Now, this is the first cut of the season, and it was about 43 degrees out, so I had my full gear on, including that love/hate hoodie. I was bopping along, singing the Operation Mincemeat OBC recording over the sound of the mower. I got as close to the riverbank as I could without running over tiny trees or the like. I don’t worry my head about making contact with trees or branches, cause my body is fully covered and my glasses are covering my eyes.

Before long, it was time to empty the bag. I noticed a few stickers on my sleeve, so I started picking them off. I emptied the bag and went back to cutting and singing.

Then I glanced down and saw more stickers on the bottom-right of my hoodie. I stopped the mower and took stock of myself. My dumb jeans were fine, no stickies. Hat? Nothing. Shoes? Free of stickies.

My hoodie, though? She was c o v e r e d. It was rough. So rough, in fact, I ripped off the hoodie in its entirety and threw it down in a spot of already-cut grass and told myself I’d deal with it later.

Luckily, I didn’t have to go back to the offending corner (pictured below), so I didn’t run into any more sticky situations.

As you can see, most of the stickies are missing because now they live on my hoodie.

I felt my sad hoodie on the ground as I gave the grass the rest of its haircut. I didn’t even finish the entire Mincemeat album. Oh, hey, if you haven’t heard of this show yet… it’s currently running on Broadway and it’s a WWII bop… if media about World War II could be considered a bop. It makes me cry at least once each listen/sing and I will let you guess which song does it. It was one of two shows on Broadway last year whos story centered around a dead body.

The other was Dead Outlaw, in case you are interested. It’s no longer on Broadway. However, its dead body is currently starring as Brad in RHPS, which is directed by Sam Pinkleton of Oh, Mary! fame. I also think Dead Outlaw will do incredibly well as a regional show, particularly since one of the main male characters barely moves.

We are not here to talk musicals, though. We are here to address my (probably) ruined hoodie.

AS I gathered my things from the yard to put back into the garage, the hoodie got kind of balled up. This is because I was trying to avoid touching the stickies, because they also get stuck to my skin. I don’t know what kind of science that is, but I don’t like it. Balling it up didn’t serve me well, because the whole hoodie’s all stuck together like Velcro now.

Look!

THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.

I know the answer is to just suck it up and pick them off one by one. It feels quite overwhelming at the moment, though, and I simply cannot bring myself to tackle it.

Do you have any bright ideas on how to rid my hoodie of these menaces? I just see an endless sea of frustration as I try to remove them one by one.

I mean, there are so many I can’t even unfold it properly to look like someone standing at the door to our garage like I like to do!!!

HALP.