I’m 48 and I Love My Body More than Ever

It’s no secret that I’m a woman, so that means that I spent the bulk of my life learning to hate how I look. That’s because that’s what we were taught (and are still teaching humans, especially women, to this day). Here are some of the unexpected ways this hate has shown up over the years:

• My parent (betcha can’t guess which one) constantly telling me that if I didn’t have a “good shape,” no men would want me.
  • “Men wanting me” was the goal of my entire life growing up, as if they were THE prize.
  • I am the prize (and so are YOU).
  • That is to say, individuals are the prize, not a section of humanity.
• Learning how to pose for photos so I look skinnier than I actually am.
  • This honestly stressed me out so much that I just didn’t like having my photo taken at all.
  • Still don’t.
• Gym teachers giving higher grades to the smaller people.
• Other classmates talking poorly about larger humans, as if they deserved to be talked about.
  • Making fun of them, talking about how, “They know they’re big, they shouldn’t be dressing like that.”
• Being shamed if I ever had to shop in the plus-size section.
  • I have actively apologized about this when men took me shopping before.
  • Luckily, I do not have to do this anymore.
• Choosing clothes that hid my “flaws” (big hips and smol titties) instead of buying outfits that celebrated my features.
• The models and actresses who were considered “plus size” in the 80s, 90s, 2000s, and beyond.
  • This has gotten better nowadays, but I’m afraid we’re sliding back into that emaciated heroin chic look, and I DO NOT WANT IT.
  • And our impressionable youth (and other humans) DO NOT NEED IT.

• SO MANY DIETS.
  • I learned how to diet before I learned how to eat.
  • I had to teach myself about nutrition and how food is fuel for the body, and it actually needs it to survive.
  • There were nutrition classes in school, sure, but they still put such pressure on being small, as tiny as possible.
• Hanging out with people who made critiquing our own bodies a sport.
• Obsessing over a scale, embarrassed if I went over what other folks considered “big.”
• Making comments like, “Oh, well, I can eat this dessert, because I exercised earlier,” or “Well, I can eat pasta tonight because I went to the gym this morning.
  • IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER
    • which totally grosses me out because I know she was affected by this gross skinny culture, too.
  • I realized now this was justifying to someone who shouldn’t have been passing judgement on me in the first place.
    • I do not do this anymore.
• Listening to other men (who I thought I respected) talk about other women’s bodies and the things they didn’t like about them, and what would make them better and hotter to them… and if that is the only thing that should be important to women.
  • There was a small subset of these men who talked about how gross some women’s body parts are, particularly the downstairs lips.
  • I just feel sad for these lonely, empty men now.
• Having my (then) husband pinch the skin on my hip (when I was the smallest I’ve ever been in my adult life), and say, “You’d have such a hot body if you just lost about 15 more pounds.

Bitch, I had a fucking hot body then. And I do now, too… at 48 years old.

I’m not as small as I was then, but you know what? I’m not as unhappy as I was then, either. And I’m healthier, like whole body and mind healthier. And that’s more important to me. I listen to my body and its cravings. This has served me pretty well in my later years, and I’m thrilled to look in the mirror nowadays… and more importantly, I’m thrilled with the things my body can do.

Yes, even when I have no clothes on. In fact, one day, I liked the way my boobs looked so much I did an art of them! I’ll save that nudie pic for the bottom of the post, though. Don’t want to jump scare you with my nipples in the middle of reading this blog, after all.

But in full disclosure, here is a photo of me that I went into the living room and snapped just now, so you can see this body I am so happy with.

And now I will be very transparent and give you my measurements, which I am taking right now, over these clothes, so they are as accurate as possible.

• Height: 5’3″
  • Used to be 5’2″, but I literally grew an inch after I started ballet forever ago
    • Yes, I know this is most likely because of improved posture.
• Weight: 166.5 pounds
• Hips: 47 inches
• Waist: 32 inches
  • Honestly, this number SHOCKED me somehow?
• Boob area: 38 inches

I love the way I look. I love the way I feel (both internally and to touch). I love the way my body works. I love learning its patterns and working with them. I love dressing it in clothes that complement it and make me smile.

Y’all, I wear crop tops on the reg, nowadays. And I feel comfortable and confident. Ten-years-ago-Jacki could NEVER. Well, she would never, actually. Because she’d be terrified of the mean things the people who saw her would say.

I also don’t dress to attract men, and I really think that has helped my brain a lot. Because, I guess

I don’t know why I’m writing this blog exactly. I guess, because I want y’all to think about the way you talk about food, other people’s bodies, and how you talk about and treat your own body. And how you judge or think about other people and their weight. Even if you’re insulting the bodies of people you think “deserve it”, maybe take a second to think about why you feel like you are in a position to insult other humans anyways. Okay?

Okay.

Now, here is that pic of my boobs I promised.