In Case You Wondered, YES! I Am Beating Myself Up A Lot!

I am trying very hard not to, but if I let my brain get quiet at all, it start spinning through all the things I did “wrong” over the past week. Then it starts beating myself up for being greedy and doing those things. 

Because “doing things” makes me selfish, I guess. 

I mean, based on my brain’s history, that tracks. 

First off, let’s do a little symptom roundup, so y’all know I’m okay, just cranky AF. 

I tested positive again this morning, twice.

Mickey is still negative.

I am still rocking a “Jacki fever” which means my temperature is normal people normal but Jacki high. 

I have a runny nose, but am able to breathe out of at least one nostril at any given time. This is really only important when I’m sleeping. When I’m upright, my nose is just constantly draining. 

My guess is that I’ll lose at least a pound of snot due to Covid. I’m cool with that. I didn’t need that snot anyways. 

I am also pretty throat scratchy, though. And sometimes that leads to coughing, but I never cough too long and I’m always able to catch my breath so I am not concerned. 

I’ve been fully vaxxed and boosted once, so I anticipate what I’m going through now to be the worst of it. 

The only other real symptoms I have are being lazy AF. I guess the technical term is “lethargy” or whatever, but I just don’t want to do ANYTHING. I want to sit here in the chair of my bisexual dreams, watch shows I love and then type on my new light up keyboard. 

Look at this baby!

 

I am still getting used to typing on a full-sized keyboard, but between writing my blog, keeping the podcast updated and actually working, I think I’ll get back in the swing of things in no time.

Oh and the other symptom I have that really annoys me is that I have no appetite. 

Y’all, I really love food, so this one hurts. My taste and smell are intact thus far and fingers crossed it stays that way. I simply do not want to eat anything right now. 

Last night I ordered in my Michigan version of comfort food, Potbelly. Potbelly is a chain of sub shops that have really great soups.

And Zapp’s Salt & Vinegar. Priorities, you know?

Well, they arrived yesterday and I ate half a cup of chicken pot pie soup, half a chicken salad sandwich and then took two hours to eat a small bag of Zapp’s.

And that’s ALL I ate yesterday. 

Normally, my eating structures my entire day. I must reiterate how much I truly love food. It’s a lot. 

I had to put some fresh kielbasa from our local market into the freezer because I knew I wouldn’t get the chance to eat it fresh before I recover. 

It smells so good, too. 

Something to look forward to, I guess. 

Yesterday, when I posted the blog about being positive, I got a comment from a friend (who is also a reader) that really rubbed my brain wrong. 

They asked if I had “attended any indoor public events recently?”

My brain was already beating itself up a lot for testing positive. Yes, I tell it repeatedly to stop it. But if you’ve ever tried to just tell your brain to stop doing something, you’ll know that rarely works. 

So that question started a big ol spiral. 

From

“Don’t you think I’m constantly running though every single interaction I had in public over the last week, repeatedly, from different angles, until I blame everything I did and just never leave the house again?”

To

“Come on, dood, this is the first question you ask?! Not, “Oh I hope you recover quickly or I hope your symptoms aren’t too bad’ but straight to a blame-facing question.”

and then back to

“I KNOW how Covid is transmitted. I know I was lazy. I know this is all my fault. Why do you have to point it out?!”

Now, previously, I would have just sat with the spiral until it tired itself out. What the fuck good does that do, though?! In fact, more often than not, making assumptions without clarification can lead to negative results, like friendships ending unnecessarily. Simply because I was afraid to ask for clarification!

Yesterday, I got a pretty good spiral started and was very close to just retreating into a shell.

But you know what I did instead? 

I straight up asked him what he was trying to accomplish by asking me that question. 

This is is something I’ve been trying to do lately, when my brain can’t figure out why someone said something that hurt my feelings or got my brain all in a jumble. I just ask, “What were you trying to accomplish with that comment?” (or post or meme or whatever. )

But only with people I feel safe with. 

It’s been working out really well for me thus far. Most of the time, my brain had worked itself up into a tizzy over something that had innocuous roots. And the other times are even better, because those turn into open, honest conversations where we both (I hope) wind up learning things about themselves or each other. 

So, in the future, if I ask you this question – don’t get offended. I really want to know! Let’s learn about the world together. 

Will I still be positive tomorrow? My guess is yes, but tune in to find out!

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