Now, my plan today was to talk to you about another flower in my yard, but that’s gonna wait til another week because my squirrel gang demanded attention. I spend more time with these good buddies than I do with most humans, and honestly that is okay.
The squirrels don’t ask me if I watched the debate last night, waiting for my reaction.
They also don’t keep talking about the debate once I reply, “No I did not, I see enough hatred and anger in the world.”
They also don’t mention random political things and look at me in glee while they wait for my reaction.
And that’s just one reason why I love my squirrel gang.
First up, I start almost every morning with them. I wake up, brush my teeth, make coffee, and then I head outside.
It used to be that I could go outside with my coffee, phone, and notebook and have a peaceful morning writing down my thoughts, learning Irish, and watching the world go by.
Now, I gotta bring a cup of nuts… that I have to refill at least twice.
By the time the door slams shut, my number one squirrel, Vic Ferarri, is either waiting for me or comes tearing down the sidewalk.
This fella definitely has some sort of Jacki sensor cause he can find me anywhere in the yard.
This was me reading the other afternoon:
He brought friends too. I filmed an entire hour of this, but I haven’t been in the right brain space to edit into anything yet.
I’ll tell you more about Vic in a minute, but first, you should probably know what “bia” means.
“Bia” means “food” in Irish. I am learning Irish on DuoLingo, so I can read street names and say, “On Wednesdays, we wear pink” (a real thing I learned this morning) in Ireland. So, when the squirrels started becoming regulars, Mickey suggested we establish a pattern with them.
So, when we give them a nut, we say “Bia.”
They know that word so well that when I see a squirrel in the distance, I loudly say, “Bia?” if they know me, they’ll come a-runnin’.
However, since we started naming them, I’ve expanded my script to things like:
”Hey, Vic! Good to see ya this mornin’!”
”OMG, mean guy, there’s enough for all of you!”
”Aww, Neuman. Your ears are so cute.” (they really are. he looks like a bat)
You know, everyday things.
My favorite thing is when there are multiple squirrels waiting to be fed, and I have to throw them nuts in rapid succession.
”Bia!” I throw a nut to the far left, and the mean one goes running.
”Bia!” I throw a nut to the right corner of the porch and Margot lumbers over to it.
”Biaaaaaa!” I drop a nut at my feet, where Vic is waiting with a wagging tail (I swear he looks happy!)
That is Vic Ferrari. He is my most frequent visitor and definitely has the most personality.
Here is an example:
We have been trying to add some variety to their diets so they don’t get used to all the junk food. Mickey and I took a trip to one of the larger local markets that we can never remember the name of. So we say, “The one with Tony Cannoli in it.”
We have never gotten Tony Cannoli during any of our visits, but that’s the landmark we use. They do have spectacular grocery store sushi, though.
Well, we looked up on the Internet to see what foods squirrels liked. It was a long list of fruits, veggies, and nuts. So we bought a variety:
- Apples (honeycrisp, btchz)
- Carrots (cariead, if you’re Irish)
- Watermelon (did you know if you sprinkle a slice of watermelon with lemon juice, it tastes like lemonade? this is a human tip, not a squirrel tip)
- Squash (yellow, not zucchini)
- Strawberries (not skrawberry from P-Valley)
Vic let his opinion be known the day we brought out the strawberries.
When I came outside, he came running over. I had a plate of fresh strawberries. I tasted one; they were delicious.
He looked up at me, hopefully. I said, “Bia,” and handed him a strawberry.
He sniffed it, put it in his mouth, and started walking away. Then, he stopped — I thought to readjust it, but no.
Vic took a couple of bites, dropped it, and looked at me hopefully again, tail a-wagging.
I gestured to the strawberry and said, “bia!” He looked at the piece of fruit, looked at me, looked at the fruit, and back at me…
Then he walked over to the strawberry, peed on it, and walked away.
Didn’t touch it one more time.
He was back the next day, though.
None of the squirrels liked the fruits and veggies we gave them, so we’re going to a place a 15-minute walk down the road that sells bulk nuts. The area we live in seems wild sometimes.
We merely need to think of a place, and it appears nearby, seemingly out of thin air. We’ve been by this nut shop a hundred times at least and never even knew it existed.
Oh, so Vic Ferrari is named Vic Ferrari because the squirrel has the energy of Andy Kaufman as Latke in Taxi (mixed with the energy of the Victor the Squirrel statue I made in ceramics class). Still, Latke doesn’t feel “cool,” and this squirrel has a “cool guy” vibe. Luckily, Latke got multiple personality disorder in the fourth season (this show has gone off the rails), and one of those personalities was Vic Ferrari.
Vic was a slick-talking American playboy who learned all he knows from, uh, Playboy. The minute Mickey suggested it, I knew that energy felt right.
Then we have Neuman. The one I can barely get a shot of, the poor thing is still so skittish.
The name came because of the ears. Neuman has big old bat ears, and I love them.
Then we have the lovely, lovely Margot. She’s been a regular for a while now, but I just figured out the right name for her yesterday.
The first time she showed up, Mickey said, “Oh wow, that squirrel is so pretty.”
I looked over, and he was right. This squirrel was gorgeous, not cute at all like most of the other squirrels who come to visit. She was classically beautiful, like a Greek goddess or movie star.
Hmm, I just noticed Margot has a penis. No bother. She’s still Margot to me; her beauty and general air demand it.
So, why is she Margot? Well, Mickey and I were sitting out here talking about possible redhead actress names for her. Everyone we thought of was too “cute.” So we dropped it for a bit. Especially when I said, “I don’t know, we need, like, a beautiful redhead, like… uh… Kathy Ireland!”
Then, last night, as I was doing some work for a client, I had For All Mankind on in the background. As soon as I heard her slow southern drawl, I knew Margot was the namesake of this squirrel.
A beautiful redhead. It fits her, too. Margot, the TV character, is smart as hell, and I feel that Margot the Squirrel is also. Margot, the squirrel, also has a calm way of thinking about herself, which is also reflected in Margot, the TV character.
It just feels right. Penis and all.
The other regulars don’t have names yet, but I have pics.
Grey mean guy.
This is where I paused writing the blog because Mickey woke up. We were sitting on the stoop while dinner cooked and this mean bud came up to get some nuts. It’s a mean squirrel because it always tries to scare the other squirrels away when we are out there feeding them.
As the mean grey squirrel approached the stoop today, the perfect name hit me: Regina George. And, I mean, George Regina if I discover a surprise penis again, right?
Then there is old grey/brown guy, which also didn’t have a name at the time of this blog post.
But then my old Academic Team coach suggested I name one of the old squirrels after him. Of course, I picked the non-mean one. So this fella above is called Dinwiddie!
We have some other buds that hang around, but those are the main ones. I’m not a pet person, but I love spending time with the creatures that share our land with us. I’m way happier feeding squirrels than scrolling on my phone.
