My Favorite Humans: Kristin

This is my friend Kristin, and they’re gonna tell you how we met.

“You weren’t the only one that night that I met having a temper tantrum.”

Kristin and I first met at a work event. I was working for a small chain of adult retail stores based in Central Florida; she was the representative for an Adult toy company. My small chain of stores was hosting a large event on a Casino Boat, and her company was providing some of the education.

I planned a lot of events for this company, all well-organized, with extensive plans and notes and outlines and labelled boxes. This was not an event I planned. But people kept coming to me and asking me why things weren’t done like they were at the last event, or where this thing or that thing was, or why there wasn’t a printed schedule of events…

You know how that goes, right? Well, it takes a lot to make me angry enough to show it externally, and these continuous drips and drabs of questions and complaints bubbled up until I was literally stomping my feet on this chintzy casino boat and saying forcefully, “I did not plan this, I do not know.”

So yeah, that’s how Kristin and I met (she did a great job hosting her table and was a lot of fun and understanding and just a good person to have on your team, you know?) So, knowing she’s still my friend almost ten years later, after I had my biggest temper tantrum in recent memory, means she’s probably a lifer.

And I’m in love with that.

Now she’s an amazing human with a company worthy of her, and I’m thrilled to call her my friend.

And even more thrilled that she blindly agreed to be my very first interview with absolutely no idea what she was getting into.

Question 1:

When you wake up and start moving through your morning, what’s the first thing you do that actually makes you feel like yourself again?

“Pouring my coffee and having that first sip out of a stolen coffee mug makes me happy and makes me feel like me.”

This answer opened up two more questions for me:

1. How does Kristin take her coffee?
2. Stolen coffee mug?!

And here are the answers:

One:

She grinds. With good beans. She travels all over the country for work, and has made a habit of visiting local coffee shops and grabbing a bag of beans to take home with her:

”So one of the things I do when I travel is it used to be that I would grab T shirts or hats or like, some sort of sticker or something from wherever I was. But then I ended up with, like, 1000 T shirts, and I only ever wear three. So I stopped wasting my money on that, and I found that one of the things I really enjoy doing is finding the local coffee shops in whatever area that I happen to be in, and if they have super good coffee, I’ll grab a bag of coffee beans and I grind it here at home.”

Kristin loves her coffee dark, so she’ll put more than the recommended number of scoops in her coffee maker so that the ending brew is thick and almost chewy. To sweeten her coffee, she uses monk fruit, a single packet, and as much soy milk as feels right.

Then we had a deep conversation on the merits of each non-dairy milk option and why she landed on soy. Short answer? Nutrition and trying to get her protein in. And then we went on a long journey where we talked about how incredible European butter is. (It’s next level, y’all.)

Two:

Yeah, she snags those from the hotels she stays in, y’all. I’m not telling you the brand, but they come in different shapes and sizes, which makes it easy for her to remember trips as she sips! I think this is adorable. In fact, sitting next to me right now is a red bowl that we brought to the Professor Haus with us from our “Move up here” trip. Inside it are peanuts for Johnny Lawrence, my current squirrel buddy.

Question 2:

Right before you leave your house, keys in hand, maybe late, maybe not. What’s the thing you always have to check, fix, or grab?

“I have a water bottle… and if I don’t have the white top available, I will get cranky.”

Yes, my friend Kristin is a hydration queen! And she’s better for it. I wish I drank more water myself, but my brain needs the bubbles of Cherry Coke Zero or seltzer water at the very least. And y’all know what, even though her water bottle is the last thing she grabs before leaving the house, she still told me this:

”I don’t feel like I ever hydrate enough.”

Girl, I bet you are doing better than 75% of the population. Because not only does she make sure her water bottle is nearby at all times, she also adds Buoy drops, which are electrolyte drops, and some Crystal Light Mango (with caffeine!)

Sounds delicious, honestly.

Then, things veered off track, as they are wont to do when I am involved, and we ended up talking about having favorite forks and other kitchen utensils:

”So there’s five of us, and I think only two people don’t really care about their fork. Three of us really care heavily about our fork, our spoon, our knife. It matters. It does.”

Question 3:

Tell me a love story.

“Honestly, my favorite love story is me and the cat… he probably saved me 3, 4, 5 times a day, and he doesn’t even know it.”

Then, Kristin proceeded to share with me an emotional story of her first marriage, which began right out of high school and ended, as many young marriages do, after lots of change and growth reveal that two people are no longer suited for each other. The end of hers, unfortunately, was ugly, and about a year before Kristin did one of the hardest things she’s had to do and ask for a divorce, a bright light came bounding into her life.

His name was Merlin.

Kristin found Merlin when he was three weeks old and fit in the palm of her hand. His eyes were barely open, so she took this mystery cat to the vet. The vet immediately said, “We can’t take him.” To which Kristin said:

”I’m not asking you to take him, I’m asking you to help me figure out what I got to do to keep him alive. So they gave me Kitten milk and a syringe, and obviously, when you bottle feed a baby, you become very bonded. And so he is. He’s my, my my little my little spoon, honestly, and I’ve never loved anything. I mean, my children, obviously, but outside of something that came from me so intense, yeah”

After her divorce, that kitty stayed by her side every single day. He kept her sane, kept her going, kept her from losing her shit on her kids, who were also going through it, you know?

Question 4:

When you open the fridge and stare inside without really knowing why, what’s the thing your eyes always land on… not to eat, but because it somehow feels like part of your personal mythology?

“Probably the Heluva Good dip… I will half the container… if it’s there, then there’s excitement.”

Do you have one of those foods that, once you’re presented with it, you just won’t stop eating it until it’s all gone?

Mine is Mussels. I don’t think I could ever do an AYCE mussels dinner, because I simply wouldn’t stop. I need a finite amount of mussels, or there is going to be (digestive) trouble.

Kristin’s food like that is Heluva Good Dip. She admitted this kind of embarrassed, like I wouldn’t even know what she was talking about, but I 100% did. I grew up in Georgia with folks who had a lot of barbecues. There was always a tub of that present somewhere or another.

For Kristin, it needs to live in her refrigerator where she will stand and stare at it for far too long, while she decides whether or not to eat it or not.

And what does she dip into it? Literally anything:

“Oh, I’ll put anything in it, potato chips, pita chips, vegetables, yeah, um, anything.”

I do not. I need plain chips with ridges, please.

Then we discussed other dips and decided that we both hate dessert hummus.

Question 5:

When you’re watching something on mute, what kind of moment pulls you in unexpectedly?

“I like when something real happens… when they drop the container in the food or something like that.”

Television is somewhere that Kristin and I do not share the same brain. She loves a formulaic procedural show with no open-endedness. I like weird shit that doesn’t follow a pattern, surprises me, and keeps me guessing.

But we both like it when the characters fuck up in a human way.

And I think there’s something really beautiful about that.

Oh, and we also talk about how we can totally tell when someone is not really eating or drinking in a movie. You know, like someone too-quickly lifting a cup to their lips that is supposed to be full of liquid.

Question 6:

What’s one thing you do almost every day, completely alone, that no one really knows about… but if they saw it, they’d understand something essential (and possibly unhinged) about you?

“I don’t like silence at all… I will speak out loud, loudly… SKU number, quantity.”

There’s something kind of fun about this. Especially when you add in the fact that when she does this, it’s often in a sing-dong-y way, sometimes there’s a recognizable melody. Sometimes there’s not.

Now, I know this is very unlikely, because Kristin is the utmost of upstanding citizens, but walk with me here:

What if someone had planted a listening device in her house? It would be totally useless, right? Because she’s got a constant stream of chatter coming from her own mouth. Do you know how many times they will hear the word “lube shooter”? Now imagine how many times they’d have to hear her sing it ?!

That’s very funny to me for some reason. What would they hear at your house? Mine: my rotation of soundtrack playlists or me singing along very loudly to a Broadway Cast Recording or repeating whatever snippet from either of those is currently stuck in my head. (current: whyyyyyy do we build the walllll… my children… my children.)

Question 7:

I’m so glad I numbered these. If someone listened in on your internal monologue while you did the dishes or waited for the microwave to beep, what strange recurring thought or imagined conversation would surprise them the most?

“So I have, like, an actual inner dialog that just reiterates what I’m doing at all times, like in words though, you know. So it’s like, if I’m washing the dishes, I’m like, plate, fork, wash it in the sink. And so it’s like an inner dialog, and it’s constantly there. I’m talking to myself all the time. It never stops, unless I’m watching TV or videos, and that’s the only thing that actually quiets.”

Honestly, I’m kind of jealous of this single-minded skill. My personal brain is all over the place:

• many many streams of consciousness regarding tasks I am supposed to accomplish (multiple)
• Songs (multiple)
• Dialogue snippets (multiple)
• The mean voices telling me over and over again all of the things that are wrong with me (multiple)
• Whatever the task at hand is

And that’s just the ones I can focus in on! So, to have this single-minded focus feels like a luxury. And to have to turn off when you watch television or movies? What a calm dream that must be. How relaxing.

I relayed the information of my own inner dialogues to Kristin, and then we marveled at the folks who have zero inner dialogue at all. How empty that must feel, you know? But then, those folks never knew any difference, so they don’t know what they are missing.

Then we started talking about our other senses and how they manifest in our brains. Can we see things? Feel them? Hear them? Smell them?

The topic of smelling things reminded me of another friend, Ellen, who had the best plan for vacations. She would buy and wear a single scent throughout a trip elsewhere. Then whenever she wants to be reminded of a particular vacation, she’ll just put on that scent! A cool idea that I have never used myself, because I am not that organized.

One of my favorite things about this whole interview process has been seeing the different ways everyone’s brains work. Ugh, this has been so much fun, y’all.

Question 8:

What’s something small and completely unremarkable that you fiercely protect or maintain, not out of sentiment, but because it feels like the linchpin, holding some part of your world together?

”My haircut, really my haircut.”

This was Kristin’s fastest answer and I couldn’t agree harder with it. Her haircut is iconic. It’s what makes her instantly recognizable as Kristin.

Plus, it’s a great haircut. She’s had it for 15 years, with minor changes (a 3-month grow out, red, brown.)

But none of those felt like Kristin, so she’s kept her blond, shorty for the past 15 years. And it just feels right.

Then we spent some time lamenting about how hard it is to find a new stylist after a move and how neither of us ever really learned how to do girlie things like apply makeup correctly or accessorize.

Question 9:

Is there an object in your home that defines your day-to-day life, not because it’s meaningful or beautiful, but just because it, like, won’t stop being useful or weirdly comforting?

“My sunglasses are always on top of my head, no matter what. If I don’t have them, I feel off. They’re like my daily mood gauge — sunshine or rain, and definitely part of my look.”

As with all the questions I’ve asked, I never have “correct” answers (or answers at all) in mind, and this one was no exception. Never in a million years would I have expected “Sunglasses” as an answer.

Then I reflected on it. Was there a time that I’ve seen Kristin without her sunnies? Not that I can recall. And they do go so well with her haircut.

But that’s not her only comfort item:

”And then, honestly, as far as comfort goes, it’s going to be a sweatshirt. It’s 90 degrees here, but I have. I sleep with it. I travel with it. It’s just an old polo gray. It’s the iconic, you know, cotton. I travel with it, it. I sleep with it. I don’t ever really even wear it. It’s literally like a blankie, almost adorable. So it’s always there.”

Of course, it’s a sweatshirt she stole from her fella. She stole it out of his closet, where it had been living for about 30 years: An Original Polo sweatshirt.

I’m a fan of comfort items like this.

Comfort + Sentimental value.

I sleep with a Snoopy, whom I used to be embarrassed about and call Shoopy, but I do not care anymore. It’s fine. I’m allowed to feel comfort! And so is Kristin.

Question 10:

When you’re in bed and the lights are off, what’s the last weird little thing you always do, before you can finally pass out?

“I have this whole pillow setup ritual. Four pillows each, arranged just so. They make me feel cuddled and cozy. I also have to watch TV with subtitles to fall asleep — weird, I know, but it’s my thing.”

Yes, at least one of the pillowcases comes from the hotel that she also horks her coffee cups from. The others come in an array of colors: blue, grey, purple, yellow.

And there’s a whole system of steps that happens before Kristin can fall into a blissful sleep. These include cuddling with her partner for 30 minutes before they go their separate ways: he to turn like a rotisserie all night (I can relate) and she to sleep like a rock in her pillow cocoon (jealous!)

Promotion:

This is the spot where I opened up the floor to Kristin to tell me all about the things she’s doing and wants to promote!

“Channel 1 Releasing, we do Boneyard toys. Verse, Skwert, the Scruffy toys. So the boys are incredible to me. They have always been super supportive and kind. So it’s incredible to me that it’s five years, but also it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like just, you know, last year, we’ve got a couple good things on the horizon.”