My Year of Binchy – Week 21: Good News & VBN (VeryBadNews)

Monday, May 20
  • Book: Circle of Friends
  • Chapters: 14 – 15
  • Location: Back driveway, in the shade, it’s 87 today and there is no breeze
  • Smoking: I didn’t even look at the package, but the nugs were shaped like dinosaurs, so I’m going with Red Runtz
What I’m listening to:
Did I cry?

Well, let’s see.

Okay yes, I did, because I guess I forgot how closely Benny’s life paralleled mine in the dad department.

Thoughts while reading (could be about the book, could not):

First off – Good news! My offering to St. Jude last week worked!

Mickey had his interview this afternoon and was back in like 20 minutes. When I saw him pull in so early, my face and heart sank. This must have been another one of those not-the-right-fit situations, my brain told me.

But my brain was WRONG, bitch. It was the complete opposite, in fact. They just felt the right fit and the rest is history.

Mickey got the job and starts next Tuesday!! Heck, he’ll probably have his first week under his belt by the time you are reading this blog.

HOORAY.

So, maybe if you are out there doing the job-hunting grind, you should give St. Jude an offering. I recommend $5 to $10 via PayPal with the simple message “BJAC”. (message me for the PayPal address of my adopted brother Ryan, whose son is named Jude.)

I made an offering on a Friday and Mickey had a new job by Monday, just sayin’.

So, despite having a hurty tummy area today, I am hype to get this readin’ and relaxin’ done.

I remember exactly how it felt when I found out my dad died. In this book, Maeve Binchy describes it as a world-stilling event, when one hears that their dad has passed away.

In my case, I was half asleep in a Florida hotel room, having driven down there a few days before for a family (without my dad for some reason) vacation. The phone rang in our room and when I answered it, the caller realized they made a mistake, gasped, and then hung up.

I heard the hushed voices of my mom and nana in the adjoining room and it just felt tense in the air. So I knew something was up.

My brain always does a good job of rifling through all the “things that could have happened” scenarios in a veryfast manner. This time, it settled on the fact that my papa had a heart attack and died.

When I learned it was my dad instead, my entire world did come to a screeching halt.

I don’t have very many memories at all from the two years after that.

Okay, enough sad, back to the book.

Ugh, these people are going THROUGH it. Nan is sleeping with someone she probably shouldn’t be. He’s not even gonna be able to give her what she so desperately wants and she is too blinded by status to even notice.

Not looking good for Nan here y’all.

But then, in all this darkness, there is a glimmer of hope from this read-through’s hero: Kit Hagearty. I think I remember a romance budding on the horizon.

New birds heard:

First off, the European Starlings will NOT shut up. They are having a meeting or something by the river.

Yeah, these bitches (pictured below) are the only birbs I heard all night. So, yeah. It was a starling party.

European starling (Sturnus vulgaris) sitting on a wooden pole near the parking lot of Bodega Head, Sonoma County, California, on December 2, 2022.
Wednesday, May 22
  • Book: Circle of Friends
  • Chapters: 16 – I do not recall
  • Location: Backyard by the red garage, while Mickey cuts down the remains of some of our clover
  • Smoking: It was dino nugs, so it must be Red Runtz
What I’m listening to:
Did I cry?

I mean, duh. I am almost done with this book, of course, I will cry.

Also, midway through my reading times, we got some bad news about Logan, so there were also tears then too.

Thoughts while reading:

I went to ceramics class this morning and it was just me and Nadga. I just finished up a cookie jar for my friend Jasmine. It’s in the mail to her right now. Nadga also convinced me to make two coffee mugs, too, since I had two decals left to use.

I am very proud of myself because I didn’t give the secret away to Jasmine! She’ll just be surprised when she opens up her box on Friday. I’m so excited for her to get it! I had so much fun making it.

Now I am working on an ashtray that I hope to make look like blue jeans, as well as a plate/bowl/cup set for my own daily use.

I’m gonna be bubble painting my personal dishes and I am very excited about it.

The way Nadga’s face lit up when I told her about how well my offering to St. Jude worked is a highlight of my week.

Okay, enough babbling, let’s get to reading. I’m nearing the end and might even finish tonight.

Here is my view:

okay, there is a dessert in this book called a “fly cemetery” and I’m gonna have to make one, because I’ve never found one in the wild.

Let me see if I can find a recipe, brb. I don’t even really know what they are.

Here is a recipe. They are also called fruit slice, so maybe I will look for those near me.

No dice. Guess I gotta make them myself.

Okay, I had to stop my reading early because we got the news that Logan was in the hospital with potential early heart failure.

I’m writing this on Monday, May 27, five days after we got the news, because this is my favorite place for honest updates. Everything except the preceding paragraph was written on May 22, and everything from here on out is from Monday.

I don’t know why I felt the need to explain that so thoroughly except I do, because my need to be understood gets ramped up in times of stress.

And this is a time of stress. The worst part is not knowing. I got a TikTok message from Logan on Thursday morning and then we get a daily update from his mom or brother once a day, and that’s it. The rest of it we’re left to let our imaginations wander.

Boy, do they wander.

I understand that Logan’s mom and brother’s focus is elsewhere, so I don’t want to bug them with questions they most likely don’t even have the answer to.

Some of my questions are simple, though, like… is Logan even awake? Because people are asking me and I cannot honestly give them an answer.

I think yes, based on context clues, but telling people yes based on context clues feels like lying to my brain, so I get all tangled up.

Why yes, if you were wondering, yes, my OCD also ramps up quite a bit in times of stress like this.

I also don’t want to burden people who are already stressed and hurting an immense amount based on the thought circles of my own mental illness. So I am patient and trust that we’ll be given the information about this person we care so much about as soon as they (people who also care so much about the same person) receive said information and have time to process it themselves.

And I also have to trust that the people who are asking me for the same information have similar patience.

But every single text I get, or Facebook message, is like a jolt through my entire body. Every possible good or bad scenario that could be runs through my brain, with the accompanying emotions. It’s quite the rollercoaster ride.

And that’s before I even see who the message is from. Normally, it’s from a friend, but it doesn’t stop my breath from quickening any quicker.

I’m worried, y’all and I don’t really know how to talk about it. Because I feel like talking about it is very “look at me” and that makes me feel yucky. Like an attention grab, even when it’s not.

But then if people don’t talk about their true feelings, how will any of us not feel so alone in them?

As a step-parent of sorts, I also feel like I am intruding a whole damn lot. And I feel like talking about how I am feeling, like, sadness- or worriedness-wise, would be stepping on his mom’s feelings and worries, which must so hugely overshadow mine.

I can’t even imagine.

So I find it hard to talk about it in a public area. I am not so great at it in private but I’m getting better at it.

I feel mean and annoying if I ask for updates. I feel cold and unfeeling if I do not. I want to reach out and offer support, but I also don’t want to intrude.

It’s a hard place to be and it makes me feel so selfish for even thinking about how I feel right now.

As of this writing, based on the information that I have, Logan is in heart rejection. I do not know what stage. The heart isn’t pumping like it should. They have tried changing his meds, dialysis, and plasmapheresis.

I don’t know what the next steps are, but Logan needs all the good thoughts y’all can spare.

Update as of the publishing date (5/30): Logan is doing better – he even took a walk yesterday – there will be more details in the next blog – I just didn’t want to keep y’all hanging.

New Birds Heard

Great Tailed Grackle, Syrian Woodpecker

1 Comment

  1. woozxyl

    You can ask Spencer for updates, tell him you feel like you’re intruding or whatever – my guess is that he’ll be glad to keep you in the loop. He prolly needs someone to talk to as well and you are his stepmother. And if you need me to listen, feel free to put fingertips to keys and message me!
    I am SO glad Mickey got the job! Is he happy? Is it a match made in work heaven?
    I am thinking of you, sending love and positive thoughts for Logan <3

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