Here is a list on Bookshop.org with all the Maeve Binchy books I’ve read all year.
Tuesday, September 3
- Book: Tara Road
- Chapters: 3
- Location: back yard near my begonias
- Smoking: a mish-mash, I honestly could not tell you
What I’m listening to:
Did I cry?
I did not.
Thoughts while reading (could be about the book, could not):
Mickey has started his new (and hopefully final) schedule this week. That means he leaves for work at 10:30 pm and returns home at 8:05 am.
When he arrives, I am awake from my night’s slumber and making coffee, ready to start my day. We say hello, and Mickey takes a shower while I retreat to the front stoop to do my morning pages and Irish lessons.
When he is done showering, we have some porch hangs where he tells me about his night, and we feed our squirrel buddies. Then he goes to bed, and I go about my normal day, doing work, cleaning, shopping, and stuff.
Today, it is 1:30 pm, and I have completed everything on my “to-do” list, even the fun stuff I throw on to make myself smile.
Mickey is still sleeping, and now I am reading and feeding my favorite front porch squirrel, who noticed I was out back and came to hang out.
Let’s read. I won’t remember about these people until I start reading again (thanks, brain!), so let’s get into it.
Okay, I feel sorry for Ria because she was raised similarly to me: to make a man the center of your life before you even think of doing anything for yourself. This takes a lot of unlearning, and how many issues are at the root of that one central idea is silly.
From considering a man’s feelings before your own regarding simple things like what color to paint a room or what to make for dinner to something more serious like protecting his reputation instead of being honest about negative things in your relationship… because they reflect badly on him and you don’t want anyone to look at him in a bad light, these things slip in.
I am so glad that I have had the time and space over the past few years to really think about my own wants and needs in a relationship and in life… and to really examine my motivations in a lot of different areas. It’s been eye-opening, and I am very grateful that I have a partner who is understanding, patient, and loving—did I say understanding?
There was a dark part in late 2022 when I had to unpack my entire personality because I honestly had no idea what was the mask and what was me. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.
And still, the mask comes back sometimes.
Okay, this got weird. I am going back to the book now. Ria just makes me sad because I remember what it felt like to be in her situation: an “appearances” husband. Blech and urgh.
New birds heard:
It is not new, but we ain’t heard ‘em in a while. Today, we got a mourning dove.
Wednesday, September 4 & Thursday, September 5
- Book: Tara Road
- Chapters: 3
- Location: Front Stoop
- Smoking: Mishmashpaddywash
What I’m listening to:
Did I cry?
Yes. It’s the Beach Boys fault.
Thoughts while reading (could be about the book, could not):
So this is my first two-day read, I think.
I started yesterday with paper notes because my iPad had very little battery left.
Here is what the notes say:
Note 1: Mickey cutting grass.
Mickey was cutting the grass. Now, normally, I’m the grass-cutter in this family, but there is one section between the road and the sidewalk that makes me have a constant tummyache the entire time I do it, so I put it off for a very long time every time I had to do it.
I told Mickey this.
He said, “Just let me know when it needs to be cut, and I’ll do it!”
And that’s what he did yesterday, except the batteries weren’t cooperating (they don’t like thick grass very much).
Note 2: Dealing with pity sucks.
I think pity is one of my least favorite feelings—from both sides. I hate being pitied, and I do not enjoy pitying other people. I’d much rather help or something.
Ria is going through it right now, and everyone is pitying her, including me.
Note 3: I know pretty instantly if I’m gonna be friends with somebody.
Like real friends. I know immediately if I click with someone. Sometimes that manifests as putting them on a pedestal as a “cool person,” and sometimes, that fucks up the friendship.
That has happened a lot less since I started therapy, and I stopped letting my dysregulated system dictate how I do every single thing. Now that I know better how to regulate my emotions and expectations, I feel like I am a much better ACTUAL friend now.
And not just someone who enables or gives permission, which is what my brain tells me I was for a long time (and nothing more than that because my brain is mean and wants me to think everyone hates me for some reason.)
Now, I will read and react inline here in the blog.
”God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys came on, and now I have tears.
Here is a thought about the way my brain works. I have aphantasia, so that means I can’t visualize. If it’s not right in front of my face, I ain’t seeing it.
For most of my life, I thought, “I can picture that!” or “I can just imagine it!!” were simply expressions. I didn’t realize people could actually see things in their heads.
So, when non-aphantasia people have memories, they have visuals and things they can see.
For some, they can even touch, taste, smell, hear, and feel.
I can do two and a half of those.
I can recall smells very easily. Goods and bads, unfortunately.
I can perfectly replicate sounds in my head. Like, I can replay things people said to me in times of high emotion. I still have a shit memory, so it’s not like I can recall all the sounds in a day perfectly or anything.
And I can halfway feel. And I say halfway because some people have the ability to recreate physical feelings, like how sand feels between their toes or the sun on their face.
My most accessible sense is feeling emotion. I can recall how a character or book or movie makes me feel, but I can’t tell you the details of it. I can remember the effect a meal had on my emotions, but not recreate the tastes.
So that is why words can hurt me so much. Because I can easily access them in my head to examine them and see what went wrong to make someone react to me that way, which can be helpful. But also, every single time I replay these words in my head, I feel the emotions as if I were experiencing them for the first time.
That part really sucks. It makes everything said to me in a heated argument with Mickey or a friend or a boss who doesn’t know how to regulate their own emotions stick around for so much longer than it should.
I had the perfect words in my head for this, but then I started explaining how my brain works too much and then I lost the simplicity of it.
But I know there have to be other people like me out there, which makes me want to work even harder on regulating my own emotions. So that I don’t unintentionally cause someone I care about to go into a spiral because I made an offhand comment when I was stressed. I never want to be that person again.
And I also don’t want to mask, so that means learning to regulate my own emotions. For me, right now, it looks like:
- Being aware of what part of my cycle I am in
- When I am ovulating, my brain tries to convince me of the worst things. Like, it can be so creatively mean.
- Then, right before my period, in the PMS phase, I get easily annoyed at everything and have very little motivation.
- Keeping that in mind before I react to something
- Talking to myself nice in my brain
- Taking my time
- When I feel dysregulated, I don’t panic and try to get rid of it by panic-talking. I sit with the feelings and observe them (take a Pepcid AC if it’s the heartbeat-fast dysregulation).
- See what steps I can take to lessen my sensory overload (which is the root of being dysregulated for me)
- Is my hair up?
- Is my watch too tight?
- Do my toes have enough room to wiggle?
- How is my waistband?
I got a little away from myself here, but the most important thing I can do is not take on other people’s emotions as if they were mine. This is something that I naturally do, even for TV characters sometimes, so being aware of that is essential. Knowing my own emotions is so important.
But emotional regulation might look different for you, and that’s okay. We are not the same human beings, and I love that about us.
New birds heard:
None, yo.
Friday, September 6
- Book: Tara Road
- Chapters: 5
- Location: Backyard
- Smoking: Blueberry Muffin
What I’m listening to:
Did I cry?
Nope
Thoughts while reading (could be about the book, could not):
I have been wordy this week, so I’ll keep today short.
This was “No type Friday,” so here are my paper notes:
I think the last time I read this book was when Mickey was overseas. I was floating in the pool and very worried about him.
”Donut Run” by Jeff Russo would make an excellent ballet.
I was filming my squirrels, a red one and a black one, which I have named Vic. (I have since named all the squirrels)
I already know the big reveal in this book, so I am mad at a character that I should currently like very much.
okay. bye.
New birds heard:
No new birbs.
