Our House is On the Market & Today, We Have Showings

Five of ’em lined up for today at the time I’m starting to write this, so I know today is gonna be disjointed as all heck for my brain today, so I’m bringing you along on the journey!

My plan is this:

Five minutes before each showing, I will arrive at my pre-arranged wait out location. 

Ok, ok, it’s my neighbor’s front porch. She has a lovely garden!

Then I will just babble in this blog space about whatever is on my mind. 

So this blog will be as disjointed as my entire day!

Now, my plan is to go as “no edit” as possible today, which shouldn’t be hard because I barely edit my normal blog posts every day (which you could probably tell by the typos I do not catch.)

Full disclosure, we also had a showing last night at 7pm, but I don’t think it took more than 5 minutes. Mickey and I just zipped around the block and it was all over. 

Ok, here we go. 

9:30: 

I’ve made it over to the neighbor’s porch and I’m waiting. Her garden is so lush I just attempted to take a photo of it. But then I got distracted by a text that said we have roughly one million more showings happening today. 

Then I just realized I don’t have a key to get back into the house if the realtor locks the front door. So I panicked. 

Then I got my wits about me and messaged Mickey with my panic. He said to run over to the house and get a key out of the wooden shot glass. 

I get to the house. The wooden shot glass is nowhere to be found. 

I’m standing in the kitchen sweating out of stress and Florida. I rip open all the kitchen cabinets and drawers. 

No wooden shot glass. 

The realtor is now present, watching me sweat and panic. Not a good look, honestly, but my sloth dress is cute.

There is a spot on my back where I got bit by an ant yesterday and it itches, but it’s in a place I cannot reach and this is a big time suck. 

Ok, so I message Mickey again, “Um, where is this wooden shot glass?”

“Left side of the sink, top shelf.”

What does he think I am… A GIANT!?

From my vantage point, I cannot even see the thing, so I just have to assume it’s there. 

I get on my tip toes and start feeling around. My fingertips graze what must be the wooden shot glass, but can’t quite grasp it. 

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve taken a ballet class, but I feel that doesn’t ever leave your body completely so I feel like I can get a few good inches when I’m on my tippy toes.

But it simply wasn’t enough, so I started jumping. 

It worked. I have a key now and it looks like the first realtor is on their way out. 

But they are sitting in front of our house in their car and I am too awkward to walk back over to our house, so I’ll just sit here until the next realtor arrives probably. 

At least it’s not a million degrees yet. 

10:00 (new addition)

I hear some car bass nearby and I honestly hope that’s the 10am realtor for some reason. I’ma go peek. 

It was not. 

My brain is getting extra anxious about the Pods retrieval this afternoon. They had issues delivering it because of the location of the dumpster. The dumpster is still present, but they got the Pods in eventually, so I’m hoping those issues won’t be an, uh, issue today. 

My words are broken today. I have no variety in my brain so this blog might get a little repeatery by the end of the day. 

And long. But then how much can I possibly say about sitting on a front porch waiting for people to stare at our empty house?

Honestly, though, this has me mad excited about having an amazing front porch and awesome weather to enjoy it in. 

The 10am folks aren’t here yet. That really itches my neurodivergent brain.

It always has. To me it says that there’s a lack of respect for my time. (now I am speaking in generalities and not this situation specifically)

When we agree on a time to do the thing and a person does not arrive at the time we both agreed upon, that makes my brain think that this person MUST think their time is more valuable than mine. 

When in reality they probably were just drifting off in imagination land like I do sometimes and just lost track of time. 

But now, since I want people to know I value their time, I have set up an elaborate system of phone and Google home alarms and alerts to make sure I am on time for all events that I have previously agreed upon. 

It’s better than I used to be… when my anxiety caused me to be early for all parties, even the ones where it was, like, a leisurely arrive when you want thing. The first hour of parties were always so awkward for me. 

Ok, the person is here now and spent about 3 minutes looking around the house and now they are talking on the phone in our driveway. 

I feel like I knew immediately when I was in the Professor House, so I understand the short visits. 

Heck, I knew when I saw the video walkthrough – just had to confirm the vibes inside. 

I forgot to bring a drink with me, so I will be sure to do that next appointment. My coffee is probably cold though. Time for a heat up, sweaty. 

Once I feel not awkward walking back to our house. 

Ok, they have been done for like 12 minutes now, but are still sitting in our driveway. I’d feel so awkward just popping off this front porch and hightailing it back to our house. So I’ll wait in this garden paradise. 

Mannnnnnnn, if I was in Michigan already, I’d be sitting in some balmy 55 degree weather. Ugh, I can’t wait. 

Oh dip! 10am fella went back in and is looking around more! I guess he was sitting in his car for a reason! I’ll take this as a good sign. 

Is this boring? I feel like this might be boring to read. 

It’s hard for me to judge, because I LOVE hearing about mundane things. I love knowing about the quirks and tiny imperfections that make us all human. 

Tell me what you ate for dinner last night, gush about a scene in a TV show that you can’t stop thinking about, show me your collection of digital personalized license plates, share with me your secret shower cleaning secrets. 

What I’m saying is… if you have something you’re excited to share that you think other people would find boring… COME TALK TO ME. I live for mundanity. 

Well, a variety of mundanity. 

Also, 10am is outta the house and back in the driveway on the phone. 

I have the rumblies in my tummies that means I need to get back to the house and grab a gross nutrition cube before the next appointment. 

And a drank. I can’t forget a drink. 

It has been 30 minutes, though. Like, is he trying to make an offer from the DRIVEWAY? (I’d be cool with that, as long as it’s a fast closing at or above our asking price.)

Okay, they are leaving. I’m gonna go sneak back over and grab a drink and gross nutrition cube and then head back to my post next door. (and save this blog, because my wifi doesn’t go this far)

11:00 

These folks were early! Waiting out front when I walked out the front door 8 minutes before 11am. I like to give them room to arrive so that I don’t have to speak to any humans awkwardly. 

Cause that the only way I know how to talk… awkwardly. 

All my words come spilling out of me all at once. I think recently it is because I have spent the last year pretty isolated, so anytime I get a chance to speak to someone that’s not a stuffie, it’s like a faucet that can’t be stopped. 

Until I become self aware of all the words I am vomiting and slow to a stop. It’s never at a place natural for conversation, either. It’s just so happens to be at the end of whatever word I’m saying when I realize I haven’t given the other person a chance to talk. 

I think that’s probably because I always struggle to know when it is my chance to talk in all situations. This is exacerbated by spending many years around people who didn’t seem to realize that there ought to be breaks in conversations. 

Stop barreling through conversations, y’all. There is a give and take to them. If you find yourself giving more than you take in… take a step back and breathe and listen to the person or people you choose to spend your time with. 

And if you don’t want to listen to them, maybe you’re not looking for a conversation… you’re looking for a pulpit. 

Trust. I am not the one for that. I have a brain too and I would like to participate. 

Now, granted, my brain doesn’t work normal, so you might get something out of left field. 

But if you’re my friend, you know that. 

Okay, y’all there are tiny baby butterflies in this bush and it is the cutest thing. 

Back to my rant or whatever, though. 

As an autie conversations (particularly in large groups) have always been difficult for me. My brain moves very fast and I can think of multiple contributions to conversations. 

I just never get the timing right or I feel like I am interrupting or I say something and the room record scratches. 

Even worse though is when a conversation is swirling all around me and I’m trying to say something and the conversation stops and the “ringleader” turns to me and says, “What do you think about that?”

All the words evaporate from my brain immediately. 

If only I could just type during conversations, I think I’d be fine. 

Hmm, this seems to be another long viewing. BUt this time I brought a Cherry Coke Zero and my box of gross nutrition cubes. Can’t bring myself to choke one down just yet, though. 

They are done and now I have a significant break to do some working things!

12:30

Welp, I’m back on that front porch shit. The Pods pickup people arrived just before 12:30, so that is one things offa my brain for sure. 

As you all know, I am a dork and asked Mickey to purchase a GPS tracker so that I could track our stuff on its journey. See? I told you. I love mundane things a lot. 

Moving this Pod is a loud AF undertaking though and I cannot tell if the real estate babies have shown up yet. 

I have decided that “Real Estate Babies” is what I’m calling the rest of the showings today. 

Gives it a real Vince Vaughn in Swingers vibe, tbh. 

Oh also, they keep on adding appointments for today, so while I started this blog out with five total, there are many many more. I’ve notated the new ones in parentheses. 

Ok, so the morning was very breezy and enjoyable. I think this afternoon is gonna SUCK and not in the fun way. 

OK, the POD is gone and the Real Estate Babies are looking at the house. It’s about to get busy up in here with appointments back to back. 

I secretly hope they see each other and know that this is a hot property ready to sell quickly!

OK, 12:30 is gone before 12:45 has arrived.

Well, I say gone, but they might sit in the driveway for 18 years like some of the others. We’ll see. 

12:45 (new addition)

Yup. We have some new driveway sitters, but the 12:45 walked up while they were waiting and now the realtors are talking to each other. 

The wind is not carrying the conversation well. Boo. 

We just floated a plan of going to get steaks tonight the amazing host of TOTS with Ross, Ross. This will happen while the evening inspections take place, so my brain is very focused on steaks and french onion soups right now. 

This should be a good evening distraction. 

PLUS I’ll get to say goodbye to Linda’s La Cantina. I can’t wait to find something as local and delicious near our new home. 

The realtors did some laughing outside, and now we are down to one car. I’ll assume they are the 12:45pm. 

Ooh, another vehicle has arrived! It looks like we are having a party but we are not. 

I was really hoping to have a Pynk pool party for the P-Valley premier next week, but looks like that ain’t gonna happen. I’ll just have to watch Lil Murda, Uncle Clifford and the rest of the gang wherever we hole up til we close on the Professor House.

1:00

Okay. Now there is a literal convoy in front of our house. I hope one of them makes an offer. 

We have our alarm system set up in such a way that I can see when certain doors are opened and stuff. 

Every single time I “see” the sliding glass door to the pool get opened, I panic a little bit inside. 

That door is easy to open, but it is a bitch for me to close. As previously established, though, I do have noodle arms. 

So I’m always worried that they will be able to open the door, but not close it – just like me. 

ALSO, did you know that in Michigan they call those “door walls”? What in the fuck is that about, y’all?

When I started seeing that in real estate listings, I was like WTF is that even, but then with the help of KPerks I figured it out. 

And luckily there are no door walls in the Professor House. 

My laptop is getting mad hot. I should have brought my lap desk, y’all. 

Next time I sneak in the house, I’ll do it. 

1:15 (new addition)

Doesn’t look like these Real Estate Babies have arrived yet, but the 1pm babies are still up in the house’s guts, so that’s a good thing. 

The bad thing is this: I have begun sweating. 

Also, I called Linda’s and they are booked up tonight – except 4:30pm. And we ain’t that old yet. 

I was just thinking – it’s kind of weird how little time we spend in a home before buying it. 

I mean, all told, I spent maybe 30 minutes total in the Professor House and a couple hours wandering its grounds, but I’m about to spend the entire rest of my life there? 

Seems wild doesn’t it.

And even wilder is the fact that I was 100% willing to move to this house many miles away without even stepping foot inside it. 

I mean, that is exactly what Mickey is doing, y’all. 

I can’t tell if the 1:15 people have arrived or not, but I’m sneaking back to the house at 1:30 to desweat and reup my CCZ. Wish me luck. 

Okay, maybe not – we still have driveway talkers. But I also have a breeze! 

1:45 (new addition)

These folks have not yet arrived. HOWEVER the 1pm or 1:15pm-ers are still in the driveway. 

I’m taking this as an infinitely good sign, but the reality is they might simply be friends who haven’t spoken in a while. 

Yoof am I sweating, though. 

I am mostly killing my time by playing this dumb Always Sunny game on my phone and waiting on a callback from ATT to see about cancelling our Internet down here and getting it all ready for the Professor House. 

And sweating. 

And rationing my Cherry Coke Zero, cause it looks like I’m not going back inside until at least 3pm. 

Also, I keep checking the weather in Melvindale to compare it to the thick heat I’m experiencing down here in Florida. 

68 and partly cloudy, for the record. Excellent porchin’ weather. 

2:00

Okay, it’s 2pm and the 2pm-ers haven’t yet arrived, but the 1pm-ers are still out front talking. 

Maybe they think they live here now? 

I honestly feel kind of like a spy sitting over here watching people look at out empty house. 

It also makes me feel better about listening to music full volume in the pool. I can’t hear shit on this porch except for street traffic so my full volume playing of “The Leftovers” soundtrack while I float shouldn’t trouble anyone!

Y’all might think I exaggerate when I say I play “The Leftovers” soundtrack more than literal anything else, but I am not one bit. 

Not a day goes by that I don’t say “okay google, play “Leftovers 1 plus 2 plus 3 on all speakers”…

Quickly followed by – “Okay google, volume 100%”

The other day, after we had lovingly placed all of our possessions in a Pod, Mickey got in the pool with me. 

I did my normal set up which includes setting up my pool altar with Larry the Pool Sloth, my snacks and drinks and my waterproof speaker. 

I didn’t think twice when I smashed “play” on my comfort soundtrack. 

And really, it’s not that unusual of a soundtrack, but it does rely heavily on some religious tunes, which is way out of my wheelhouse. 

In fact, one song came on while we were floating and Mickey said, “What in the hippie-loving fuck are we listening to?”

(The song was a spoken word + choral thingie about the rapture.)

Therapy has helped me a lot, but The Leftovers really helped me unlock something last summer and I feel like I need a little booster shot of it every single day. 

And I will ALWAYS sing “Let the Mystery Be” by Iris Dement at the top of my lungs at any given opportunity. 

See, the main reason I started my therapy journey is because I found myself literally unable to read a book. Previously, it was one of my top five favorite hobbies of all time. 

But my mental health had deteriorated so badly that I simply couldn’t get through a paragraph, much less an entire book. 

This held true for any book I tried. New book by a new writer. Old book by an old writer. New book by a writer I loved. New book about a topic I am obsessed with – none of them made it longer than a chapter. 

And I gotta tell y’all, it really troubled me. 

And we did a couple months trying to figure it out (among other things). 

Then Mickey and I finished watching “The Leftovers” for the first time. And I fell in love very hard in a way that doesn’t happen every often. 

2:15 (new addition)

I haven’t seen a 2:15 arrival, so I’m gonna keep on babbling. 

So when I saw that it was a book before it was a show, I bought it. 

And somehow, someway, I was able to read it. And it was the most beautiful experience. The parts I had questions about in the show were answered by the book. 

If I had read the book first, the questions raised in the book were answered by the show. 

It was just such a full complete experience. 

And not only has the soundtrack become the most comforting comfort sounds I’ve ever experienced, but both the show and book have become objects of comfort as well. 

I know that there is an episode I can put on the tv when I’m feeling low. I know that I will be reminded of Nora’s steadfastness and her ability to know what’s best for her and be strong in those decisions. 

I know that I will learn something new every time I watch, read or listen to only a tiny portion of it. It like health food for my soul or something. 

OMG the 1pmers are leaving now and I think I have a 15 minute cool off window. BE BACK SOON!

2:45 (new addition)

Okay, well maybe not. The 2:45 rang the doorbell at 2:34 and now I am back in the sweat porch. 

I did notice on my walks over there today that there are a lot of mushrooms in our yards!

Then I was reminded that foraging for mushrooms is apparently a thing in Michigan. And it is a thing I am gonna have to do because I adore mushrooms. 

I recently added them to my homemade garlic noodles (made with shells because they retain the most sauce)

NO MORE AFTERNOON SHOWINGS. WOOT!

Ok, the rest of this afternoon I will be on the phone with ATT figuring out our Internet sitch and taking a relaxing bath and getting ready for steaks this evening, while our other showings happen. 

And then maybe some longform relaxing? Maybe? We shall see. 

5:30 (new addition) 5:45 (new addition) 6:30 (new addition) 6:45 (new addition)

Maybe I will write about what happened during these showings tomorrow. It will NOT be this long though. Yeesh. 

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